The Hamster Daze
by snort
Summary: Response to a challenge. Sam falls in love with an evil hamster, Daniel cries, Teal'c shows emotion, and Jack wears a pink tutu.


Reformatted on 03-09-23  
  
This is in response to a challenge. 1. Someone must say "cheese is the greatest power in the universe, second only to the power of positive suggestion when performed by the king of cool...aka the Fonz". 2. Sam must fall in love with a hamster 3. O'Neill will dress up as a fairy and sprinkle glitter on the members of the SGC 4. Daniel must cry...a lot 5. Thor must wear a bikini 6. Macgyver (O'Neill's evil twin in this story, so that must be mentioned) must sing a song by one of the following groups/artists, you choose: Manic Street Preachers Robbie Williams The Bangles Michael Jackson The Tellytubbies Bob The Builder  
  
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Title: The Hamster Daze Author: sourfall biznitch@ crispytomato.net Category: Humour Feedback: Yes please. Rating: G or PG. around there. Season/Spoilers: Well, Anise is in this story. but is that really a spoiler? Also the whole "So'kar on Natu" thing from "The Devil You Know" is mentioned. My Noble Comments: Ehhh. this is my first Stargate fic so. be nice. Review please! =) Disclaimer: Blah blah blah. we know this. Characters not mine. Real-life people not mine. Alien technology not mine. Happy now? =) The song I used is: Robbie Williams - The Road To Mandalay (so I didn't use *all* of it.)  
  
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The wormhole opened and Anise/Skimpy-clothes appeared. In her bare arms she held a rather large, awkward looking hamster cage, and lo and behold, there was a hamster in it. It was a little fluffball of a hamster with brown fur and big blue eyes. No one from the SGC had ever seen a hamster quite like it.  
  
"Hello snakehead." the Colonel welcomed.  
  
"Greetings, O'Neill," Anise nodded.  
  
"What brings you to Earth?" General Hammond questioned.  
  
"I have some. information for you," Anise replied.  
  
"Cryptic as always." Jack observed.  
  
---- CONFERENCE ROOM  
  
"A hamster?" General Hammond found the situation a little amusing.  
  
"Yes," Anise looked away, ashamed.  
  
According to Anise, there had been a little. mishap at the Tok'ra "Base". They were testing a new machine that could switch the minds of two people and leave them intact. The Tok'ra didn't know how that could be useful, but thought it would be quite fun to play around with, at least something to keep the kids occupied. So they tested it with a captured Goa'uld and a Tok'ra spy. The captured Goa'uld was none other than So'kar (who wasn't destroyed by Natu blowing up as he was flung from the planet until a Tok'ra cargo ship broke his fall), and the spy was a short, timid little thing named Jojo.  
  
In the beginning of the experiment, things seemed to be fine. After a few hours, they realized that Jojo was in So'kar's body but So'kar wasn't in Jojo's. So the scientists searched. and they searched. They searched until they found a hamster, a little brown, fluffy hamster with big blue eyes. The hamster tried to bite them over and over again and squeaked loudly, but it was a Goa'uld squeak, low and menacing but still with a touch of cuddly hamster.  
  
The scientists, including Anise, put the little hamster in the cage that was now on the conference room table and gave it some Naquah-ade to calm it down. Everyone seemed a bit amused by this news. a mighty system lord (nonetheless the one of Hell) stuck in a hamster's body. haha.  
  
"So why have you come to us?" Jack *tried* to say with a straight face but failed.  
  
"Because the Tau'ri know the most about So'kar in a real- world aspect. You know how to threaten him, which we will need to do to switch the minds back. The machine only works if both parties are willing," Anise informed.  
  
"Wait, wait. you think we know how to threaten So'kar?" Daniel asked, then paused and thought about it, "We don't! Oh, we really should know but we don't."  
  
Daniel hung his head and began to cry over this fact.  
  
"DanielJackson, are you feeling alright?" Teal'c asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"It's just so. *sob* confusing."  
  
Everyone exchanged Glances.  
  
"Right." General Hammond broke the silence.  
  
Everyone cleared their throats and ignored Daniel.  
  
"We don't know how to threaten So'kar, *Anise*," Sam emphasized her name in a snotty way, while staring at the hamster.  
  
"Then how did you destroy him?" Anise asked.  
  
"We blew up the moon, Natu, where he was stationed," Teal'c offered.  
  
Suddenly, a loud sob came from the limp body of Daniel, who had sunk to the floor now.  
  
"Oh. well, surely you can assist in getting So'kar out of that cute, cuddly creature?" Anise almost got down on her hands and knees.  
  
"This whole thing was a ploy!" General Hammond stood up and thumped his fist on the table and mouthed an OW afterwards. "You knew we don't know how to threaten a system lord but you just want our help for your purposes and it doesn't benefit us at all!"  
  
"Yeah!" It dawned on Jack.  
  
"Mm-hmm," Carter mumbled, still transfixed by "So'kar the Hamster".  
  
"I believe the General is correct," Teal'c said.  
  
Daniel raised an arm above the table to show his agreement then promptly broke out into another fit of sobs.  
  
"I assure you, this wasn't a ploy, we were not aware that you didn't know-"  
  
"Hmm, where have I heard that before?!" the General yelled.  
  
"I believe it was when Anise put the strengthening armbands on the others of SG-1 and sent them on a previously "unknown" mission to destroy Apophis' new ship and we had no choice but to oblige, GeneralHammond." Everyone looked at Teal'c.  
  
"I know, Teal'c, it was a figure of speech," Hammond replied.  
  
"Very well, GeneralHammond," Teal'c looked offended.  
  
Sam and Jack exchanged looks. (Since when has Teal'c shown any emotion on his face?)  
  
"Well, the Tok'ra admit, we were trying to guarantee your help in that campaign-" Anise said in Freya's voice.  
  
"Ha! How can we be sure your not doing it again?!" Hammond screeched.  
  
"We promise?" Anise looked around nervously.  
  
Everyone growled. Everyone except Sam.  
  
"Well, sirs, would it be *so* bad to just help this hamster? I mean. that spy does deserve to get back into his own body, and so does this hamster." Sam kept looking between the General and the hamster.  
  
"Major, are you implying we should help the Tok'ra AGAIN? And think about it, *So'kar* is in that hamster. which you seem awfully fond of for such a short time." Jack pointed out.  
  
Sam blushed and shut up immediately.  
  
"Well, you know what? I guess we'll help you, Anise. I've always had a soft spot for hamsters anyway. ever since that tractor accident." the General sighed.  
  
Everyone looked at him strangely.  
  
"We appreicate your assistance," Anise thanked him.  
  
Jack just made little "blah blah blah" signs with his hand while mouthing the words.  
  
Teal'c was staring at a hole in the wall, trying to look indignant.  
  
Carter was still staring at the hamster, looking away and blushing when it noticed her staring.  
  
Daniel was still crying on the floor. Finally the General called Dr. Fraiser to take him to the infirmary and sedate him, which she promptly did, but not without a look of evilness when she injected the sedative.  
  
---- TWO HOURS LATER  
  
"Oooooo, look at me! I can fly." Jack jumped up and down and spun around in the corridor outside Sam's lab where everyone was working to get So'kar out of the hamster.  
  
"Colonel, what are you doing?!" Sam's freaked out voice asked him.  
  
"Why, I've discovered my true identity," the Colonel answered, blinking as if it were an everyday occurance, "I'm a fairy."  
  
"Oh." Sam said, stretching out the word.  
  
"Mm-hmm," Jack nodded so rapidly, Sam thought his head was going to fall off.  
  
Jack "flew" into the lab and ran around screaming "Yippie!" while Sam, Anise, Teal'c and a sobbing Daniel were trying to work.  
  
"I bless you with glitter. I bless you with glitter," Jack repeated over and over until everyone in the room was covered with blue and silver glitter.  
  
"COLONEL! YOU GOT GLITTER ALL OVER MR. HAMSTER!" Sam could have broken a window with her screeching.  
  
Jack stopped sprinkling glitter and looked shocked.  
  
"Since when have you called him *Mr.* Hamster?" he asked.  
  
"Did I say that? I meant. So'kar the evil, evil system lord. you might have made him mad. ya. that's what I meant. Now, shoo!" Sam was as red as a tomato.  
  
Jack looked at her strangely, as did everyone else, even Daniel who had stopped crying for a minute to process this information.  
  
"I believe MajorCarter is in love with the hamster," Teal'c stated.  
  
"WHAT?!?!?!?!?! That's proposterous! No way. *NO* way.! I. I." Sam forgot everything she was going to say when she looked at Mr. Hamster and began to drool.  
  
"Why does everyone love someone except meeee? Am I *that* unloveable? Oh man." Daniel started to cry again, full force.  
  
Everyone rolled their eyes, except Sam who was beginning to form a puddle of drool on the floor.  
  
The Colonel/fairy was about to say something sarcastic when the red alarm went off, signalling the Stargate was active. Everyone rushed to the 'Gate room.  
  
---- THE GATE ROOM  
  
"General, what's going on?" Jack asked.  
  
"There's an unauthorized traveller coming through, we've decided to open the iris as we always do even when we don't know who it is-" the General stopped when he saw Colonel O'Neill's outfit, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING?!"  
  
"I'm a fairy," Jack answered like it was obvious.  
  
"I can see that. but WHY are you dressing up like a fairy?!" General Hammond was amused on the inside but didn't dare show it, other members of the SGC might try it.  
  
"I didn't say I was dressing up like a fairy. I said I was one," Jack answered, looking a little hurt.  
  
Everyone rolled their eyes.  
  
"Whatever," Carter mumbled.  
  
"WHAT WAS THAT?!" Jack flipped.  
  
"I said whatever, sir," she repeated.  
  
"Why? Don't you believe I'm a fairy?" he asked.  
  
"No, I don't, sir," Carter answered truthfully.  
  
"Why doesn't anyone believe me?!" Colonel O'Neill turned to face everyone in the room, who just stared at him like he'd lost his marbles.  
  
"Because you aren't a fairy." Carter said under her breath.  
  
"WHAT WAS THAT?!" he spun to face her.  
  
"I said you aren't a fairy, sir," she said, sighing.  
  
"You're just jealous. all of you," Jack pouted.  
  
"No we're not, you're just psycho," the Stargate operator mumbled.  
  
"OH JEEZ! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! ALL YOU PEOPLE JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME AND MY FAIRY-ISM!" the Colonel yelled, the crossed his arms and sulked.  
  
"I believe ColonelO'Neill is angry with our opinions," Teal'c offered.  
  
"Yes, Teal'c, I am, thank you for noticing, at least someone does!" he continued sulking.  
  
"You're not going to leave the SGC are you, Jack?" Daniel asked, pouting.  
  
"Probably not, I just want some respect around here," Jack replied.  
  
"OH NO! HE'S GONNA LEAVE US!" Daniel blubbered then ran out of the room.  
  
"Dr. Jackson! Dr. Jackson!" the General called, but only heard the sound of fading sobs down the hall.  
  
"You know, *sir*, if you want respect you shouldn't be wearing such. interesting. clothes," Carter pointed out.  
  
"Oh, you think it's easy being a fairy? No, no, no. The outfit comes with the job, sister. No matter how silly I look in a pink tutu, I will remain true to my heritage!" Jack protested.  
  
"Speaking of outfits that come with jobs, Colonel." Hammond said.  
  
"Hey, I'm still wearing my uniform!" Jack pointed to his chest where his green military uniform showed.  
  
Carter rolled her eyes.  
  
"Oh, stop it, Carter! You're just jealous you can't have me!" Jack snapped.  
  
"WHAT?! NO WAY." Carter yelled, "And if you must know, I'm seeing someone I really care about, so there."  
  
"Oh, who, So'kar the Hamster?" Jack joked.  
  
Sam blushed.  
  
"Noooooo." she said in a way that implied a "yesssssss."  
  
"When's the wedding?" the Colonel snorted.  
  
"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" Carter screamed.  
  
"ENOUGH, PEOPLE! Do you remember that there is an unidentified person coming through the Stargate soon enough and here we are, arguing?!" Hammond yelled.  
  
Everyone shut up.  
  
Jack and Sam made faces back and forth.  
  
Suddenly, a little ripple appeared in the Stargate, as if something had come through, but no one saw anybody.  
  
"WAIT!" Sam cried, "At the end of the ramp!"  
  
Everyone looked. And sure enough, there was a little blonde hamster sitting there patiently.  
  
Sam seemed outraged by this.  
  
"You come here to steal my man. er. hamster, huh?! Well you're going to have to fight me for him!" Sam yelled through the microphone.  
  
"I do not believe the hamster can understand you, MajorCarter," Teal'c informed.  
  
"As a matter of fact, I can," a little squeaky voice said.  
  
"Ah!" Jack jumped, "Did that furball just *talk*?  
  
"Yes," Carter replied as if it were obvious.  
  
"I know." Jack said snottily.  
  
"There will be another coming shortly. He is human like you," the hamster informed.  
  
"We apprieciate your telling us," Hammond tried to be diplomatic.  
  
Just then, the Stargate engaged and the human mentioned stepped through.  
  
"WHAT IS THIS?! ANOTHER ME?" Jack yelled once he saw the man, who looked exactly like him.  
  
"No, sir, it's inpossible that there could be anyone else like you." Carter said, insultingly.  
  
Jack feined hurt.  
  
"ENOUGH!" Hammond yelled.  
  
Sam stuck her tongue out at Jack and turned back to the hamster and the "JackClone".  
  
"Welcome to Earth," Hammond greeted, "Who are you?"  
  
The human bowed.  
  
"My name is McGyver, and I am from a planet called L42," he introduced.  
  
"And I am Felicia, George's husband," she introduced.  
  
"Who is George?" Hammond questioned.  
  
"My husband."  
  
"Yes, but *who* is he? Like, why have you come here?" Hammond elaborated.  
  
"To return my husband's mind back to him," Felicia stated.  
  
"You mean. That hamster's MARRIED?!" Carter was shocked.  
  
"Yes, he's my husband," Felicia repeated.  
  
"WHY THAT LITTLE." Carter was so mad, her face was purple.  
  
Jack snickered. Carter grabbed his pink tutu and with amazing strength, ripped it off him and carried it with her as she started walking down the hall to her lab.  
  
"I'm gonna strangle that cheater!" she echoed down the hallway.  
  
---- THE NEXT DAY  
  
"Well, we're all glad it turned out well," Hammond said, "Who would've thought cheese would keep Major Carter from strangling George?"  
  
"Cheese is the greatest power in the universe, second only to the power of positive suggestion when performed by the king of cool... AKA the Fonz," Teal'c stated, looking proud of himself.  
  
"Yah." Hammond muttered, "Anyway, thank you for clearing this whole mess up and we hope you enjoyed your stay on Earth."  
  
"Oh, very much," McGyver said, "In fact, *so* much that I have decided to sing a song to you, to show my thanks."  
  
"Um. well, if you insist." Hammond agreed.  
  
So everyone lined up to hear McGyver sing. Jack looking slightly mad that he didn't have his tutu anymore (or his glitter, which he just *knew* Carter had taken, who else would?). Sam was scowling and mouthing "I hate you" to George. Teal'c was as non-expressionable as always, and Daniel was slightly teary-eyed but better than the last couple of days.  
  
The music started and McGyver began to sing.  
  
"Save me from drowning in the sea Beat me up on the beach What a lovely holiday There's nothing funny left to say. I like to sleep beneath the trees Have the universe at one with me Look down the barrel of a gun And feel the Moon replace the Sun Everything we've ever stolen Has been lost returned or broken No more dragons left to slay Every mistake I've ever made Has been rehashed and then replayed As I got lost along the way Save me from drowning in the sea Beat me up on the beach What a lovely holiday There's nothing funny left to say."  
  
Everyone exchanged brief Glances, but clapped anyway.  
  
"That was, um, very nice, Mcgyver," Hammond thanked.  
  
"Awww, shucks." McGyver blushed.  
  
"Ya, great job." Jack chimed in.  
  
"Excellent performance," Teal'c congratulated.  
  
"Mm-hmm," Carter nodded.  
  
"Man. that was so beautiful," Daniel burst into a fit of sobs, "I'm okay, really."  
  
"Thanks," McGyver said, "Well, I guess it's about time we be going, thank you for your hospitality."  
  
"You're welcome here anytime," Hammond in diplomatic-mode again.  
  
"Oh, and by the way, Jack, it was me who took your glitter," McGyver laughed evilly.  
  
"WHAT?!" Jack screamed like a girl.  
  
Just then, a bright flash of light enveloped the room and everyone in the SGC fainted. The last thing anyone remembered was an evil laugh followed by a coughing fit and a few swear words.  
  
---- LATER  
  
"Whoa. who was that guy?" Jack asked.  
  
"Well, he was obviously your evil twin," Sam pointed out mouthing "Duh" afterwards.  
  
"Oh, obviously, huh?" Jack said, "Then how come I didn't notice it?"  
  
"Because you're an unobservant fairy-man." Carter snorted.  
  
"I am offended." Jack was really.  
  
---- EVEN LATER  
  
"So, General, anything about that hamster crisis today?" Jack asked.  
  
"No, what was strange is how Anise just disappeared during this whole fiasco, and how no one noticed her leave afterwards." Hammond stroked his chin, "Unless.."  
  
"Unless what, sir?" Jack questioned.  
  
"Yes, that's it! It's so obvious!" Hammond "Eureka-ed".  
  
"Again with obvious-ness." Jack shook his head.  
  
"Obviously she was working with them! After McGyver knocked us out, she must have made her escape! Well, that's the last time we trust the Tok'ra." Hammond looked quite pleased with himself.  
  
It dawned on Jack.  
  
"Ohhhhhh! Excellent deduction, sir," the Colonel congratulated.  
  
"Thank you, Colonel. wait a minute. Why are you complimenting me? What do you want?" Hammond became suspicious.  
  
"Oh, nothing, sir. except." Jack started.  
  
"Oh jeez."  
  
"I just want to be able to wear my native clothing in peace. That's all," Jack tried to reason with Hammond.  
  
"COLONEL O'NEILL, YOU ARE NOT A FAIRY! NOW GET OUT OF MY OFFICE BEFORE I HAVE YOU COMMITTED!" Hammond pointed to the door.  
  
"Yes, sir," Jack rushed out of the office.  
  
---- SUPER LATER  
  
"Intergalactic fax coming through!" One of the Stargate technicians notified.  
  
Everyone gathered around, waiting to see what it was. When they did see it, everyone screamed.  
  
"AHHHH! WHAT IS THAT?!" Jack shielded his eyes.  
  
"OH MAN." Carter turned away.  
  
"Oh, just the sort of thing a recovering psychotic needs!" Daniel started crying again.  
  
"I believe that is the most disturbing picture I have ever seen," Teal'c even looked a little disgusted.  
  
"Teal'c, is that. *Thor* in a little blue *bikini*!?" Hammond asked, frightened.  
  
"I believe so, GeneralHammond," Teal'c excused himself from the room, along with most of the SGC.  
  
Tha fax had been a postcard. In the middle, there was a large picture of Thor lying on a blue air mattress, sipping iced tea, and wearing a blue bikini with matching blue sunglasses. The text read, "Wish you were here. - Roswell, New Mexico".  
  
General Hammond shuddered, "I wish I never go there again."  
  
~ END  
  
P.S. I wrote this when I was like, 12. Shhh. 


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